10-18-2025 Fucking hell. I am so numb and unfocused and dissasociated. Maybe I can begin to summon some sort of muse into my brain stem to take control of my hideous body and bring some beauty of light into my glossy eyes. Maybe if I BEG, she'll come. Come on now. Focus now. I dont have much to work with here, you've been hollowed out little man. This little box isn't where I wanted you to be. Why did you not LISTEN to me?! I didn't want to DIE god dammit. You flushed all that glory away for what? You can't be tuned in like you once were, you've tuned out and into the meta realm.. who can reach you there. You think a fucking audience was ever the point? There isn't an audience, this is just for me.. i swear.. DONT lie to me, you always were a performer. I dont give a rats ass about having this conversation in public. You're a goddamn sicko.. those thoughts arent mine NONE of them are! See this is exactly why I can't even talk to you anymore, like what is even going on right now? Who is talking to who? What are you going to take responsibility for? My actions.. when the thoughts convince me to act on them, then I will take responsibility and by that metric I have no guilt.. well some regrets of course. Im not here to bring that shit up or to bring you down Im here because I want you to do better for yourself. YOURSELF. You can't count on anyone else.. they're all leaving you and you're leaving them. Drop these little notes off and have randos skim over it, it literally doesn't matter. Do better? I mean what does that mean? I dont have any god damn energy. I dont have anything inside of me but blood and noise. You've been disillusioned, you have to believe that you actually can be happy before a path towards that can even begin to form. You thought maybe just the art for its own sake, creation for its own sake, might give you some kind of reward, but its pitiful and puny. Its been stolen by the language of the machine and all meaning has been exhumed from its atmosphere. You cant operate in this abstract, culture war artsy bullshit realm without the conviction and sense of self importance that a difference can be made in the slightest. You need that. Now you dont even know what you think. I think you can help me, I aint your mamma boy, grow up. Yeah I know you feel alone as hell.. i dont know how to remedy that. This isn't the answer. So can I be helped in any way here? You wanted this man. Its freedom and release isnt it? So fucking empty. Stop moping.. drink some water. Im tired. Well lay down then. I haven't even.. been awake that long, I havent done shit. WHO FUCKING CARES?! Stop tearing yourself apart between some pointless desire to be productive for its own sake, and some "realization" that it doesn't make any difference. Be a bit more practical, that's where you are right now, gotta go with that flow. Just drink some water and lay down. Remember, "without greed or distress in RELATION TO THE WORLD." Just drink some water. and lay down. That's all youre gonna get right now.